Q&A with a Dominatrix

This week I had the opportunity to chat with a fabulous Dominatrix, Ms Kitten from Cape Town!

I was incredibly excited (and a little nervous) to interview Ms Kitten, a creative sadist, pro domme and fetish artist with a love of latex. We met a couple of weeks ago when she came to Durban to host a spanking workshop that I loved – but I still wasn’t sure what to expect from our conversation together. Ms Kitten is an experienced top and kink educator, and in this interview, she generously shared her time to answer our burning questions about the kinkier side of life!

As our Zoom call began I was delighted and shocked to see a man knelt at her feet, dressed in latex, wearing a gas mask and tethered to the ceiling by a rope. “Welcome to my dungeon!” she purred, before introducing the man as her “latex toy.”

Ms Kitten’s relaxed smile soon put me at ease, and as we began chatting openly about her journey and passion for kink I couldn’t wait to dive in! I began by asking… What exactly is kink?

What Exactly Is Kink?

Ms Kitten: “I think kink is different for every single person. It is simply something new and something exciting. That can be different for you and for me. It doesn’t mean that I can judge what you think is exciting, or that you can judge what I think is exciting.

She explained that our sexual journeys change so much over the years. The kink journey evolves on its own naturally. And it can start with us simply using our imagination to introduce things that are slightly more unconventional… and can lead us into a whole different world in the bedroom.

“It doesn’t have to be mistress, with a cane and a gag,” says Ms Kitten. “It can be simple items that excite you and can take you on a different journey.”

Is kink the same as BDSM?

“Kink is the freedom to explore and to evolve… and consent is always mandatory.

“BDSM is bondage & discipline, dominant & submissive, sadist & masochist, which are all big terms in the bedroom. We learn more about them as we explore and are honest about our wants and desires.”

Ms Kitten explains that the journey should start by creating intimacy and a space where you can share fantasies openly and honestly. And while some fantasies are destined to remain fantasies, there are some that are safe to explore.

When these are voiced openly and shared with someone in an intimate relationship, it can be fun to bring them to life. 

“Exploring those fantasies together can be extremely exciting. The whole journey of kink is based on the fact that you’re sharing your innermost secrets with someone you trust – who appreciates and respects them. And that’s why consent is mandatory.”

How can people bring this into an everyday relationship?

Ms Kitten says “It starts with honesty between you and your partner – and even married couples battle to have this kind of communication.”

She uses a simple game that allows partners to practice giving and receiving a “no” more comfortably – and without being offended. Listen at 4.30 to hear her describe the “thank you but no thank you” game. 

This game can be a no-pressure way to put a voice to desires that might feel scary to express. 

It’s important to create a judgement-free zone, and from here the couple can build on the fantasy – and manage expectations around how the fantasy might play out in reality.

Managing expectations is important. Consider, for example, how two people can have very different expectations around spanking.

Ms Kitten might imagine a beautiful bottom marked by 12 perfect cane lines – while I might have something far less painful in mind, like a light flogging that ends in a rosy glow. 

So, it’s important to quantify the fantasy and manage expectations. What do we want out of the journey? Can we flesh it out? Can we be realistic? From there we can agree and disagree on how to move forward and try the kink.

“All kink involves risk, and this needs to be discussed so we are aware of what might happen.”

What are the core values of kink?

“Trust, understanding, patience and communication. And when you put that into a partnership you create more intimacy.”

If there’s something you want to explore within kink, Ms Kitten suggests the following steps.

  1. Take it slowly
  2. Understand what the implement or object can do (are you using a flogger or a dildo for example)
  3. Understand the object’s parameters, and its qualities
  4. Research and learn the skill that goes into using it
  5. Testing it on yourself
  6. Then gently test it on your partner
  7. Get them to give you feedback

“We’re not trained to give feedback – we usually think in our heads and don’t express how we feel.”

Ms Kitten suggests that we turn feedback into a game, using the traffic light colours, red, orange and green. This can be used in all areas of the relationship. And when done correctly, it can nurture confidence in a way that is rewarding for both parties.

What happens if you change your mind halfway through?

For people that are new to kink, there can be a fear that once you’ve said yes to something you are obliged to go through with it. But that’s not true. Giving consent and feedback is an ongoing process.

“We can’t really say yes to something that you haven’t tried. So, we need to try that aspect on its own. Only when you have tried and experienced it, can you consent to it.”

This was fascinating to me – It means that your yes is almost meaningless if you haven’t experienced the thing you are consenting to.

A lot of people consent to something and then feel compelled to participate, but kink is not compulsory!

“The more we learn about our bodies and how they respond, the more we are able to judge whether we’re going to like something or not.

“In order for a partner to actually have your consent, you would have had to experience the kink before you add it to the bedroom.”

Is it safe to dabble with kink, after reading something like 50 Shades of Grey?

Ms Kitten feels that 50 shades was like a Hollywood version of a hot violent sex lifestyle – and not a realistic depiction of BDSM. 

“I don’t like the way that BDSM was portrayed – particularly the forced contract. But in some ways, it opened the door to speak about sex and BDSM with less shame. And it sold a lot of toys from a lot of sex shops!”

Is kink more than just learning new facts and acts – is it more a way of thinking and being?

“I filmed some fetish porn with a mistress who lives kink 24/7 – and it was incredible to see the enormous amount of trust and negotiation and skill that they worked with on a daily basis. The level of trust and intimacy that they have cultivated is so deep and absolutely beautiful.

When it comes to kink, trust is essential. You’re dealing with a different side of your head, you need to research, explore, and share this openly with your partner. And there is risk involved, so you have to be careful. That makes it deeper.

It lends itself to a deep intimacy that we don’t normally get from just sex.”

What exactly is a Dominatrix?

“I would consider myself a sadistic artist, and I see beautiful bodies who come to me because they enjoy pain. To me, their body is a canvas that I can use to make a beautiful design – while giving them some release. I’m turning something that could be considered ugly into something beautiful, joyous and free.

“There is an enormous amount of clarity in pain – but with a Dominatrix, it is very practised, very researched and we put a lot of time and effort into putting it all in the right places.

“The fact that someone trusts me enough to give them this clarity is something quite special – it’s a gift. To hear them tell me about their specific kink, and tell me what they need is special. People don’t really share on an intimate level like that.

People won’t lie and pretend they like needles when I’m about to put 200 of them into them!”

Ms Kitten isn’t a Dominatrix that you can pay in exchange for a sexual act that is printed on a menu. She is more of an artist and she likes to have a conversation with her clients, and then communicate decided a vision that she sees coming out of their bodies. 

The whole process is cathartic and ritualistic, including aftercare, support and self-love.

She doesn’t play with people that she doesn’t know.

How did you become a Domme?

“I was in a marriage that wasn’t sexually fulfilling and I was looking for a way to fulfil my needs, and to feel desired without cheating. So, I started out as Chastity Dominatrix, which is when a man is locked in a cage with no control over his orgasm. I held the key and loved to be in control of this person who found me desirable, respected me and needed me. They fulfilled a need in my life.”

As the years went by, Ms Kitten opened herself up to new kinks and new opportunities. She got involved with needles originally to stop people from self-harming and doing things that weren’t planned, were executed without skill and ended with remorse.

What is your most common request?

“Pegging!”

This is when a woman wears a strap-on dildo to penetrate their partner’s anus. Ms Kitten explained that men often come to her to be pegged and women come to ask her to teach them how to do it. 

“The anus can be incredibly pleasurable – and it’s not only a man on man idea. It doesn’t make you less of a man to enjoy anal sex. The prostate is its own sexual organ! It’s important for a woman to learn to stimulate her partner’s prostate.”

What is your most unusual request?

“I think it was 22 horseshoe nails through a scrotum onto a piece of wood while the scrotum was filled with saline. The needles went in like butter.”

Yes, this answer shocked me!! I had to ask…

Is that really pleasurable?

“Pain can give a people clarity – and it can bring people back into reality. And some people need the pain to get off. It is person dependant, and not everyone needs the same level of pain.”

Are your clients a mix of genders?

“In the past, I always saw guys – but in the last 3 years, I have started to see women as well. Now I see mostly women, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I have enjoyed exploring this other side of kink, and new bodies, and a new kind of art.”

What would you advise to somebody considering employing the services of a Dominatrix?

“If you’re interested in trying something new and risky, going to a professional is always a good idea! Find someone who knows what they are talking about, has practised with the skill you are interested in, has written about it, talks openly and honestly about it and is recommended in the community. 

The best way to try some of these kinks and fetishes is to go to someone who can give you a professional experience. So, it’s a great idea to employ someone to help you through the journey and make it safer.”

I invited Ms Kitten to give us a closing thought…

“Talking to your partner, hearing your partner and listening to your partner is the most important thing. Without that, there is no enormous scene with you swinging from the chandelier gagged with a riding crop!

“You need to start with an honest and open way for hearing a no and saying a no!”

This was one of the most illuminating conversations of my career and I am deeply grateful that Ms Kitten shared so openly. As big and scary as kink might feel, it all begins with communication and consent!

LINKS

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