How Could Being Vocal in Bed Improve Your Sex Life?

Could Being Vocal in the Bedroom Help Your Sex Life? This is the question that I posed to Erin Kyna, a fabulous Sexuality & Spirituality Coach and Healer, who lives in Bali.

Erin looked serene as our video call began. She was seated in front of a magnificent 4 poster bed, with a peaceful, yet playful smile on her face, framed by dusky pink hair. 

Even though I’m a sex educator myself, I still sometimes find it tricky to speak up in the bedroom – so I was keen to learn some new tricks from Erin. 

She began by explaining that vocal expression in the bedroom is more important than most of us realise!

“We grew up in an environment where shame has silenced us. And sounds of sexual pleasure are not well received.”

I think we can all relate to the embarrassment of having neighbours banging on the wall, or kids asking if mummy is okay. 😉 And of course, as young adults, we learnt that we need to keep the sounds of our pleasure down to keep everything secret. 

So much shame is imposed on us over the years about sex, pleasure and masturbation – so we never learn how to put words to the things that we want. 

“We don’t feel empowered to say yes to the things we like, or no to the things we don’t like. We don’t know how! We might have a fantasy or desire that we want to share – and the concept is right in our throat, ready to speak… but there are no words available to let it come out.”

I know I’ve been there! Perhaps you can relate too? 

Women’s sexuality has been smothered, and suppressing us vocally is one of the most powerful ways to keep us small and easy to control.

Early Experiences

And while this might sound heavy, Erin offered hope with a reminder, that the flip side of this truth is that using our voice is one of the most profound ways to lead us towards empowerment. 

“Being vocal in the bedroom allows us to negotiate safe and empowering sexual experiences. It puts the power and the pleasure back in our hands.” 

Making sound in the bedroom is also intricately tied into consent. 

Cast your mind back to your early sexual experiences… it’s likely that consent isn’t something you were raised with. Early sexual experiences were often a fumble in the dark – with little understanding that we didn’t just have to be passive and go along with whatever was happening. We weren’t taught that it was okay to have a conversation before anything began.

For most of us, some guy ended up with their hands down the front of our pants before we even knew what was happening.

Empowerment Through Vocal Expression

One of the first steps towards vocal empowerment is to offer consent and have negotiations before each sexual experience. This is especially important if the experience is with someone new, but it’s also helpful in long term partnerships. You might have been with someone for a long time, and have always tolerated something that you don’t really like.

An example might be that your partner disconnects immediately after love-making and falls asleep, goes to shower or grabs their phone, leaving you feeling abandoned. You could communicate to negotiate aftercare that would help you to feel more supported.  

Erin suggests that you could open a conversation with a sentence like: “You know what sweetheart, when we finish and you fall asleep straight away, I feel abandoned in that moment – and I’d really love it if we could stay connected a while longer.”

This can change everything!

Being Vocal Can Be Hard

It can be difficult in a long term relationship to tell your partner that you’d prefer to do something different when you’ve been doing it that way for years… Let’s say for example, that you’ve been faking orgasms for ages. How can you tell your partner that the technique they’ve been using all this time doesn’t do it for you?

Erin recognises that this can be hard because people take things personally. This kind of feedback needs to be approached carefully, with compassion for their triggers of inadequacy and shame.

It’s important to tread lightly, and create a safe space for open and non-judgemental discussions. 

You could try something along the lines of: “I would love to share something with you, and I want to be clear that this doesn’t mean that I’m dissatisfied with our connection. I’ve been dreaming about sharing an intimate experience with a woman. And I wake up feeling aroused. I’d like to unpack this fantasy with you. Would you be open to exploring that?”

When we create a safe space, it must work both ways. Your partner must also be able to share openly without judgement too. Ask yourself if you would feel triggered if your partner shared a fantasy about a threesome, or wanted to be pegged. Might this make you feel inadequate as a woman? 

Part of our pathway to empowerment involves being triggered and working with what is coming up. 

Being Vocal in Bed

Erin was excited to share another aspect of expressing ourselves vocally in the bedroom, by making sounds to communicate our pleasure. Early self-pleasure discovery is usually done in silence, under the cover of darkness!

And it’s common for these childlike behaviours and fears to remain part of your self-pleasure practice, even into womanhood. 

If you recognise that pattern in your own self-pleasure practice, then try giving yourself permission to express sound, move your body and liberate yourself to do whatever feels good! You don’t have to remain shackled to those old patterns. And sometimes expressing sound is just the thing that’s needed to take you over the edge into climax. 

Erin urges us to free ourselves vocally in the bedroom! And while our modern day life might not give us freedom to be loud, vocal expression doesn’t have to wake neighbours. 😉 We can still speak, moan and say things like, “more, less, harder, stronger” at normal talking volume in privacy of bedroom. That won’t wake the kids or alert your room mates!

The Cervix-Throat Connection

Erin purred as she explained that our voice is not only deeply connected to our sense of empowerment, and pleasure but also to our cervix!

The two organs physically resemble each other, and science suggests that they may be interconnected via the vagus nerve. And the energetic connection between the two is quite clear. 

As the throat is opened with moans, groans, sighs and deep primal noises, the cervix simultaneously softens in response. Perhaps this is why we naturally express sounds while making love and also giving birth.

When your mouth and throat relax, so does your pelvic floor. The more we express, and allow a free flow of energy through the throat – the more pleasure we are activating. 

This is something that we can play with!

  • Massage your jaw
  • Let your tongue soften
  • Kiss slowly, with soft lips
  • Invite more vocalisation 
  • Shift your mindset around giving head – and consider it a pleasurable activity for your mouth and throat. Performing oral sex on penis/toy is often seen as an act of giving for someone else’s pleasure, but can also be a way to stimulate the throat and receive pleasure there – especially via deep throating!

Art by Luisa Alexandre

vocal
vocal in bed

Energy in the Throat

Erin invites us to remember a time when we felt an energetic block in the throat. Have you experienced the feeling of swallowing back sadness, or tears? Or of a lump in your throat? Constriction and anxiety stuck – and words that can’t come out?

That is the feeling of energy in your throat. Albeit a negative kind of heavy energy.

Now, try to Imagine the flip side of that. Could it be possible to feel a pleasurable energy in throat?  

Erin says YES! She has experienced throat orgasms that feel like giant explosions, and waves of pleausure coming out of throat chakra! 

To access this kind of energy, we have to give ourselves permission to let the energy move freely, and – importantly, find the courage to:

  1.  speak our truth
  2. vocalise during sex!

Conclusion

Many of us hold trauma around the throat from times we haven’t spoken up. And Erin reminds us of the importance of self-forgiveness for these time. 

If we’ve never spoken up for ourselves in our everyday life – we’ve never said “this is a no for me”, “this is crossing a boundary”, or “I’m at my edge” then it is too much to expect ourselves to do it in a moment of heightened pressure. 

Advocating for ourselves is a skill that can, and should be practiced in calmer environments. Speak into a mirror, or practice roleplaying with a trusted friend. Let yourself hear you speaking those words, and build the neural connections required to develop this skill. 

Practice saying things like: I’m not comfortable with that, let’s do this instead. 

The more we can do that in a low pressure environment the more our brain is equipped with the neural pathways for a high pressure environment. 

So, forgiving yourself for any times you might have let yourself down in the past, for not speaking what you knew inside. You’re not to blame for that. You are suppressed by so many layers of cultural shame, that it is difficult to be empowered in your full sexual expression today. 

Forgive yourself first. And then practice, practice, practice!

Ah, I’m sure you’ll agree that this was a beautiful conversation. I’m so grateful that Erin shared her wisdom with us. 

Erin Kyna also happens to be the only Erin Kyna in the world!! So she is easy to find online, and I highly recommend that you do!

Links:

This episode was sponsored by: https://mysexualhealth.co.za/

Sex and Healing Podcast; https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/sex-and-healing-with-erin-kyna/id1539111728

IG: https://www.instagram.com/erinkyna/

Website: https://erinkyna.com/

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