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How to Give Her an Orgasm (Top 10 Secrets She Wants You to Know)

Picture of Lisa Welsh
Lisa Welsh

Podcaster
Sexual Health & Pleasure Educator
Media Liaison for the World Association for Sexual Health

Trust me — you’re NOT the only one struggling to unlock the art of female orgasm. 

In fact, women themselves are confused at the prospect, asking tons of questions about female orgasms, including questions like: 

  • Is it possible for women to have orgasms during intercourse? 
  • How to have multiple orgasms? 
  • How to have better orgasms?

Not to worry!

Whether your woman is unenthusiastic, you’re worried she’s faking, or you’re confused because you’ve tried all the moves you’ve learned, but she’s not responding, rest assured this article will teach you top tips to give her the BEST darn orgasm of her life. 

In this article, I’ll be sharing my top 10 secret tips you can use to give her a mind-numbing pleasure that she’s never experienced before. 

Top 10 secrets to giving her an orgasm she won’t forget 

Ready to hear honest advice on how to really pleasure a woman or person with a vulva? 

While all of these secrets may not be what you expect and consider “sexy”, these are the things she REALLY wants you to know. 

In other words, these are the things that’ll turn her on like wildfire and make her writhe in pleasure under your hands, tongue, and cock😉.

The tips will get hotter as we move down the list. So, be sure to read to the end. 

Secret 1: Engage her mind

The brain is the biggest sex organ. So, you need to start there to get her aroused — which is where foreplay comes in.  

But not the foreplay you’re thinking of. 

I’m talking about teasing her OUTSIDE the bedroom throughout the day with affectionate touches, romantic or sexy words, and your undivided attention. 

Because for most women and people with vulvas, sexual arousal warms up slowly like water. 

Imagine a pot of water on the boil. 

It takes a while to get going. Certain things can make it boil faster, such as the fuel used to heat the water, the pan used to contain the water, how hot the fire is burning, and more. 

In the same way, your words, attention, and affection will slowly start to warm her up. So, start the “foreplay” as soon as you see her and don’t stop. 

It should last all day — not just when you enter the bedroom. 

Secret 2: Make her feel safe

When it comes to female pleasure, safety is paramount. 

To experience orgasms, studies have shown that a particular part of the brain called the amygdala needs to go offline. And that part of the brain is responsible for scanning for threats. 

alt: Illustration of the amygdala
Illustration of the amygdala (Source: Neuroscientificallychallenged.com)

So, in short — does she feel safe?

Things that can impact this are:

  • Somebody is in the room next door. 
  • Worries that the kids are going to wake up. 
  • Concerns about STI and birth control. 

She may also feel unsafe if sex ever feels painful for her. 

So, make sure you have these conversations outside of the bedroom. What can you do to reduce and remove any discomfort? 

  • Maybe she needs to see a sexual health provider. 
  • Perhaps you need to use lube. 
  • Maybe you must take longer to build arousal before you even think about penetration.

I can almost guarantee you that that final one is true. 

You can also consider incorporating safe words into the bedroom. 

Safe words are not only for kinky activities. Having a safe word is like a “get out of jail free card” for everybody that can be said without any judgment, and it stops all play immediately. 

Having a safe word you won’t accidentally say during play makes sense. Something bizarre, like “black current” or “polka dots”.

Secret 3: Make her feel beautiful

Studies have shown one of the biggest concerns for most women and people with vulvas in the bedroom is body image. 

They’re worried that they look unattractive or unsexy during sex. Many women tend to be even more ashamed when it comes to their vaginas. 

This is because the media has taught us to be ashamed of our vaginas. How they look, how they taste, and how they smell. 

So, reassure her. Let her know that you think she’s unconditionally beautiful. 

This can really help her relax, surrender, and get her to that climax. 

Secret 4: Awaken other body parts first 

I know you want to skip to the good part, but getting her hot and wet first is SUPER important.

After all, the wetter, the better, right? 

Start with touches and kisses all over the body. Don’t only go for an erogenous zone, such as the genitals or breasts. Stroke, caress, tease, and let her body heat slowly. 

alt: Image of man kissing woman's neck

Remember, we’re boiling the pot of water and slowly building waves of pleasure. You’re getting her into the mood through touch. 

This way, she can get out of her head and connect to her body. 

Here are a few ideas you can try: 

  • Gently touch her behind her knees. 
  • Kiss her on her collarbone. 
  • Stroke her on her side with your knuckles. 
  • Rub her feet. 
  • Massage her scalp. 

Secret 5: Collaborate

Nobody can be responsible for giving another person an orgasm. 

It has to be something that happens together. You need to collaborate: 

  • Ask your partner to do a little show and tell. 
  • Invite her to show you how she loves to touch herself. 
  • Ask her to give you feedback as you’re touching her.

Try different strokes and ask her to say “yes” when something feels good. Ask for her options, like: 

  • Do you like it when I go horizontally across your clit? Or up and down. 
  • Do you prefer it when I use my tongue slowly or more quickly?
  • Do you like it when I massage the outer labia?
  • Do you like it when I use my nails in a gentle scratching motion? 

You can also try a technique called “handwriting”, where you place your hands on her vulva and ask her to move it the way that feels good to her.

Also, this step goes hand-in-hand with step 3, which is to make her feel beautiful. While you’re stroking or asking her to touch herself, tell her how hot she looks and how you love seeing her in pleasure.  

Remember, masturbation — especially in front of someone else — takes a lot of courage. Therefore, you need to express how much you enjoy it too. 

And while you’re at it, encourage her to move, breathe, and make sounds. 

And remember that what you’ve seen in movies and porn may not be what a real person in pleasure does. So keep an open mind. 

Step 6: Take away the pressure

For females especially, the more pressure involved, the less pleasure they can experience. 

And studies suggest that it can take 20-40 minutes of stimulation of the vulva and clit before she’s ready for penetration and for her to experience an orgasm. 

So, slow down. There’s no need to rush. And even if you aren’t rushing her mentally, she may also be thinking she needs to rush.

It’s super common for women to worry that their partner is getting bored. To worry that they’re taking too long to cum. And to think there’s something wrong with them. 

Instead, reassure her that she can take all the time she needs to access those deeper levels of pleasure.

Secret 7: Use lube 

While this step may seem obvious, it’s vital. 

Studies have shown that women experience more pleasure during sex when lube is part of the equation. So, it’s a no-brainer. 

But, what often stops people from using lube is the stigma that “if a woman is aroused, then she’s going to be wet. And if she’s not wet, then there’s something wrong with her. Or there’s something wrong with her lover”. 

That’s just not true. 

Emily Naski speaks of a phenomenon called desire non-concordance. This sometimes means when a woman is aroused, she isn’t wet. And, sometimes, when a woman is wet, she’s not aroused. 

But, regardless of how much natural lubrication there is, the wetter she is, the better it’ll feel for you both. 

Lube will remove the pressure, enhance stimulation, and decrease friction and potential pain.  

That being said, be aware of the kind of lube you use, depending on the type of play you’re doing.

For example, if you’re using a silicone sex toy or condoms, you don’t want to go for a silicon lube. You’ll need to use water-based lube instead. On the other hand, if you’re planning anal sex, silicone lube can be a better option.

Learn more about the differences between silicone and water-based lube

An extra tip for you is to get lube in a pump bottle. This means you won’t have to stop during heated passion for unscrewing the lid. You can get a couple of pumps and continue your business.

Secret 8: Map her unique pleasure anatomy

To help her experience mind-numbing pleasure, you need to know the areas of the vulva inside out. All areas of the vulva have the potential for pleasure and can be orgasmic. 

alt: Structure of the vulva
Illustration of the vulva (Source: Medical News Today)
  • There are the outer lips — those thicker lips that can grow hair. They house some of the internal structure of the clitoris, so they can become puffy and full of engorged erectile tissue. It can feel incredible to spend time stimulating these lips, either with your fingers or through oral sex. 
  • Then you have the inner lips — the thinner lips with a different kind of tissue that doesn’t grow hair. These are made of erectile tissue and can feel incredible when they’re stimulated. Plus, the top of the inner lips, where they meet, is the hood of the clitoris. So by stimulating the inner lips gently, always using lube, you can stimulate the glands of the clitoris. 
  • Above the vaginal opening and below the clitoris, you have the urethra. If you massage that area, it can also feel incredible for some people. However, remember that some women may enjoy this more than others. 
  • Of course, you have the glands of the clitoris, which may be hidden by the clitoral hood. The clit is where most pleasure can be achieved. You can massage it with your fingers, lick it, suck it, or gently scrape it with your teeth to make her experience intense waves of pleasure.  
  • Then, there’s the opening of the vagina, which also has a lot of nerve endings — especially just inside of the vagina. Teasing her there can make her go wild.
  • And below the vagina, between the vagina and the anus, the perineum. When stimulated right, this area can intensify orgasms, especially if it’s stimulated during sex or oral play. 

So, I’m saying the vulva offers an absolute goldmine of pleasurable anatomy for you to explore. Take your time and learn what feels good for her. 

The more time you take in mapping, learning, and understanding her pleasure anatomy and what gets her ticking, the more pleasure you’ll be able to give her. 

Exploration can become a regular part of your play so that you both become super familiar with these incredible body parts and unlock deeper layers of pleasure.

Secret 9: Read her pleasure

After reading this article, you might think, “Okay, I now know what to do, so I’m going to go right ahead and implement everything I’ve learned.” 

Bob’s your uncle. She’s going to be orgasming on cue. 

Well, not so fast. 

As mentioned earlier, all human beings are entirely unique, as are the nerve pathways within our genitals.

This means no textbook can teach you what feels best for your woman.

On top of that, the things that feel good can change from day to day. 

This is exactly why you need to become an expert at reading her body language and pleasure cues when touching her in specific ways. 

  • How is she physically reacting? 
  • Is her body arching in pleasure? 
  • Is she making sounds and groans? 
  • Is her breathing changing? 

Now, do be aware that she may be making the kind of sounds and movements she thinks you want to hear.

This can be something that is done even on a subconscious level as she tries to mimic the kinds of sounds heard in porn or movies. 

So, tune in because when she becomes super aroused, her sounds may change, her breathing may become more erratic, and she may start to move differently. 

Encourage her to breathe, make sounds, and move her body the way she wants so she can feel totally free.

It’s important to pay special attention to every little thing she does. 

If she’s trying to move your hand away from an area, definitely move your hand away. Don’t think, “no, I know she wants it more”. She clearly isn’t enjoying it, and moving on to another area is best.

On the other hand, if she’s leaning into you, this could indicate that she wants more. Perhaps she’s craving penetration. Maybe she wants you to move faster. If you’re unsure, ask her. 

Pro tip: Try asking her questions that she can simply answer with a “yes” or “no”. 

But one thing to be highly aware of is overstimulation — especially on the clitoris. If you’ve learned about female pleasure, you probably know that the clit is the centre of her pleasure anatomy.

And so, you might think direct clitoral stimulation guarantees an orgasm. 

I don’t blame you for thinking that because, after all, it’s the same thought process as we women have to just stimulate the penis, and orgasm will come. 

But it’s not that simple.

If you’re uncircumcised, you understand how the head of the penis can become incredibly sensitive to the point of pain. 

The clit is the same for some vulva owners. 

Instead of going in hard and fast with a lot of pressure, you need to start out gentle and intensify the pressure as things get hotter. 

Speaking of the clit, let’s jump right into secret number 10. 

Secret 10: Understand the clitoris and g-spot

The clitoris is arguably the MOST important part of the vulva in terms of orgasm. 

So, let’s take a closer look at it, shall we?  

alt: Structure of the clitoris
Illustration of the clitoris (Source: Radical Sexologist)

There’s the head of the clitoris, which is at the top of the vulva above the vaginal opening. The hood may completely hide it, or it may be visible. We can see that it has a head, which resembles a tiny penis. This is the really sensitive part. 

It also has a shaft, usually hidden underneath the mons pubis, which is that fatty bit of tissue that grows hair above the vulva. 

alt: Illustration of the mons pubis
Illustration of the mons pubis (Source: Kenhub.com)

This means you can stimulate the shaft of the clitoris in some cases through the mons pubis. However, sometimes, she won’t be able to feel it at all. It depends on the angle of the clitoral shaft and how sharply and steeply it goes into her body. 

There are also two legs, called the crus, which sit internally and around the urethra. 

So, the clitoris is far bigger than we have often been led to believe. 

And the other fascinating thing to know about it is that it can become erect. Yep, just like a penis.

But to get erected, it needs to be aroused — which is where all the other secrets that I’ve taught you come into play🤩.

Now, as the clit gets aroused and slowly becomes engorged with blood, it becomes larger, and EVERY part of it (not just the head) becomes far more sensitive — making it way easier to give her a better orgasm than she’s ever experienced before. 

Also, while we’re on the subject of the clitoris, I want to talk about the g-spot. 

The g-spot is just inside the vagina. It can be at different depths for different people. 

But, you want to insert two fingers into the vagina upwards, facing her tummy, and feel around for an area that perhaps feels slightly bumpy, a little bit like the roof of your mouth.

alt: Where the g-spot is located
Illustration showing the location of the g-spot (Source: The Conversation)

By stimulating her g-spot, you’re stimulating the internal part of the clitoris. That’s essentially what the g-spot is.

You can massage it in different ways: 

  • The typical come hither motion 
  • Pulsation
  • Holding pressure
  • Tapping
  • Circular movements

Try these different movements while simultaneously stimulating the outer part of the clit to really bring her waves of sexual pleasure. 

BONUS secret

Before you go, I have a bonus secret for you. The incredible thing about women and people with vulvas is that they’re capable of experiencing blended and multiple orgasms. 

A blended orgasm is when multiple streams of pleasure reach a crescendo at once. So it could be the clitoris and the g-spot. Or it could be the nipple and the clitoris. Or even the scalp and the g-spot. 

Yeah, I’m speaking from experience. 

There are so many different ways that our pleasure can be combined to make it a full-body experience.

And then, interestingly, waves of pleasure once orgasm has reached its peak don’t mean the female is now offline. 

In fact, like that pot of water, once you’ve built it up to a boil, it will remain hot for quite some time, and you can keep it simmering.

AKA, you can give her MULTIPLE orgasms in one sitting. 

Once the peak of orgasm has been reached, you can slowly build that next wave of pleasure.

While it’s very likely that she won’t want you to go anywhere near the head of her clit for quite some time, there are other areas, as we’ve spoken about, that you can stimulate to build up that wave of pleasure. 

And build to the next orgasm. 

Don’t be scared to stimulate multiple erogenous zones. You can even use tools and sex toys to help her get there again, and again, and again😉.

Discover the top 15 sex toys used in 50 Shades of Grey and how to use them. 

Ready to give her the best orgasm of her life? 

Well, now that you know how to give her an orgasm, you can start implementing these secrets straight away. 

While the first secrets may seem boring, they’re SUPER essential to get her in the mood, so she’s primed and wet for the incredible stimulation you’ll give her. 

Would you like other ideas for spicing up your sex life?

Then check out Beducated! It’ll teach you the ins and outs of pleasing your woman to give her more intense orgasms than you can dream of.

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